Why Some People Struggle to Love Others

Through my blog today, I want to address something that affects every relationship in our lives.

I am talking about self-love.

Well, Biblical self-love is not about becoming self-centered or prideful. It is about seeing ourselves the way God sees us and receiving His love for us.

When one of the Pharisees asked Jesus which commandment was the greatest, Jesus responded: You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ (Matt 22:37-39)

Notice the order. First, we are called to love God with all our heart, soul, and mind. Second, we are called to love our neighbor “as ourselves”, which means according to Jesus, the standard for loving others is connected to how we view and treat ourselves. And, learning to love others well begins with understanding how to receive God’s love for ourselves.

Why Some People Struggle to Love Others

Many people find it difficult to love others because deep down they struggle to love themselves. Perhaps you are constantly hard on yourself. Often, these patterns begin early in life. Perhaps you grew up in an environment where expectations were extremely high. Maybe you constantly felt compared to others. Perhaps you felt pressure to perform, achieve, or become someone else in order to be accepted. Over time, you may have learned to become your own harshest critic. Then every failure, every setback, and every weakness becomes another reason to beat yourself up emotionally.
But that is not how God sees you.

There Is a Difference Between Hating Sin and Hating Yourself

As believers, we are called to reject sin and turn away from destructive behaviors. However, there is a difference between hating sinful actions and hating yourself. God may convict us regarding certain behaviors, attitudes, or choices, but He never calls us to despise the person He created.

Beloved, you are created in the image of God (Gen 1:27). You are valuable in His sight. You may have made mistakes, but your mistakes do not determine your worth.

The Connection Between Self-Love and Loving Others

Think again about what Jesus said: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. This means the capacity to love others is directly connected to how we treat ourselves. The grace you extend to others is often connected to the grace you extend to yourself. If you constantly live under condemnation, it becomes difficult to offer grace to others. But when you receive God’s grace for your own life, it becomes much easier to extend that grace to those around you.

Many believers feel guilty about caring for themselves. But healthy self-care is not selfish. God calls us to steward our lives well. That includes, taking care of our minds, emotions, physical health, spiritual lives etc. Not because we are obsessed with ourselves, but because we recognise that we are valuable to God and that our body is the temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Corin 6:19).

What Self-Love Reveals in Marriage

The connection between self-love and relationships becomes especially clear in marriage. Paul writes: So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. (Eph 5:28)

Notice the connection. A husband’s ability to love his wife is connected to how he relates to himself. Sometimes people struggle to give love because they have never fully received love. This does not excuse unhealthy behaviour, but it helps us understand why some people find it difficult to connect emotionally.

Jesus Knew Who He Was

One reason Jesus was able to pour out love so freely was because He was secure in His identity. He knew who He was. He knew the Father’s love. He knew His purpose. Because He was secure, He could give Himself away. Likewise, we cannot continually pour out healthy love if we are empty inside. We must first receive God’s love before we can effectively give it away. As John writes, “We love Him because He first loved us.” (1 John 4:19)

Learn to Be Patient with Yourself

Child of God, I want to encourage you today: Be patient with yourself. Stop carrying expectations that God never placed on you. Learn to embrace your weaknesses and bring them before God. Allow the Holy Spirit to heal the broken places in your heart. Remember what God says about you: For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. (Eph 2:10)

And, being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ. (Philippians 1:6)

The more you receive God’s love, the more you will be able to love yourself in a healthy and biblical way. And the more you learn to love yourself through God’s eyes, the more you will be able to love others the way Jesus intended.

May His love fill your heart, heal your wounds, and overflow into every relationship in your life. And as you become whole in His love, may you love others with the same grace, compassion, and mercy that He has shown you.